My Own #WhyIStayed/Left in Detail and 2 Things NOT to Say to Someone in or Previously in an Abusive Relationship

In the wake of the Ray Rice video that was recently released to the public, there has been a great dialogue on Twitter, mostly with the hashtags #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft. Women and, even though I haven't read any from men, I'm sure there are some, have been sharing their reasons for why they have stayed with their abuser and why they have left their abusive relationships. The reason for the #WhyIStayed/Left campaign is that people began asking why Mrs. Rice continued her relationship and went on to marry the man who knocked her unconscious. I can understand the reasoning behind people wondering why a person would stay. I would like to be able to explain why they do and why that is such a loaded question. What I'm about to discuss is something in which I don't often go into detail.

Before I met Joshua, I was in a relationship with a guy (I won't call him a man) who was abusive, largely verbal and emotional. What many people don't know is that abusive relationships almost never start that way. They often start like any other relationship, happy, fun, hanging out, enjoying each other's company and generally just good times. As things progress and become more serious, you get to know each other better. The abuse usually escalates as the offender becomes more comfortable in the relationship. You might not be totally comfortable yelling at and belittling someone at first. My former boyfriend, who will be referred to as X, started off with "joking". He was "only joking" when he made rude comments about my weight, hair, sking or just my appearance. If I wore makeup, he never said I looked nice/pretty. I had my "hooker paint" on. No, it was okay to wear makeup. I just looked like a hooker. I needed to understand he was mentally ill and that he was just socially awkward. He would say that he would try not to joke like that. Until he would "forget" and then, again, I was just too sensitive. One night, I had gotten home from a closing shift. He started tickling me. I told him to stop it. I was tired. I didn't want to be messed with. He continued. I asked again. This escalated to me being pinned down while he tickled my feet and laughed like a maniac. I was yelling, crying and screaming. I tried hitting him to get him off me. He was relentless. He had no respect for me. He didn't know or care that it was a bad time to play around like that.

Abusers often will use apologies, promises to act better or just try to play it cool for a while as a way to keep you in the relationship. They always go back to the abuse, though and the vicious cycle continues. They will often, as X did, work up to it, getting you used to their behavior so you accept it or forgive more easily. Their abuse is insidious to the point that you often don't realize how bad it is. He would space out incidents like this, slowly getting me used to them. He eventually started yelling at me and being condescending. He would talk to me like I was child. He later started telling me that though I was smart, I had "no common sense". All my thoughts, my opinions, everything I said and did was silly to him and he would let me know it. But it just because he cared enough about me to point it out. He knew I could be better. One thing that kept me there, is like most abusers, he wasn't all bad. He could be really nice. There were times where we would have a great day together. He could be very genuine and really funny. He was smart and witty. I enjoyed that part of him and wanted to see more of it.

Later, he would attempt to control more of my behavior. Rolling my eyes was not okay. He would "teach" me not to do it by punching me hard in the arms every time I did it. If I was gone from the store longer than he though I should be, he would call me and yell at me. Where was I?! What was I doing?! Who was I with?! He would get angry with me over small matters and one of his tactics was to punish me with silence. He would ignore me for hours and sometimes days. Completely shut me out and ignore my existence. He did this once over a messed up lunch order. I went to get lunch for both of us and his order was wrong. I did check the bag, as he always insisted I did, but not carefully enough. He didn't speak to me for 3 days. That evening, his friends came over and they were trying to include me in the conversation, not knowing what was going on. I looked over at X at some point and he shot me a look that reminded me that I was still "in trouble". He looked at me like I had done something so horrible. Like I had really wronged him and he hated me for it. The look you give your nemesis. It was at this point, that I often believed I had caused him to act this way. I knew he was overreacting, our roommate would point that out sometimes, but mostly stayed out of it (I can't blame him, who wants to be in the middle of a couple fighting?) but I reasoned that I knew him well enough to know what his hot buttons were and should know better than to push them.

When I really started to feel like the walls were closing in and he had almost total control over my life in many aspects, the only place I really felt free was work. Thank God I had a job I loved with great coworkers at the time. Other people were noticing that something wasn't right with mine and X's relationship. Our mutual friends, my coworkers, many of whom were my friends, too. Nobody came right out and said he was abusive. They would say it wasn't normal, or point out that he was wrong to do or say whatever it was we were discussing. I knew it wasn't a good relationship, too. I knew I wasn't really happy. I knew he was likely abusive. I didn't want to admit that. I believed that I should just continue to love him. I knew he had a bad childhood and was bipolar. I believed it wasn't entirely his fault and that it would be sort of wrong to just leave someone who couldn't totally help it.

What it took for me to leave was meeting the man who is now my husband. When I first met Joshua, a relationship with him was nowhere in my mind. I was in a relationship, a dysfunctional one, but still in one and as far as I was concerned, committed to making it work. As I got to know Joshua, I began to see what a great man he was. He was kind, a Christian (I was and X wasn't) and not just in-name only, he knew Scripture, he had strong values as well as goals for making a living out of his craft. X didn't have any ambition. His ambition was to sit around playing on a computer and sponging off someone. I began to realize that X was never going to become a better person. I was starting to see that my relationship with him was as good as it was going to be. I began to develop a crush on Joshua, the more we talked. I wanted a healthy relationship! I wanted to get married! I wanted someone who shared my values, not belittled them. One night we actually hung out while X was at work (long story short, X claimed he didn't mind me meeting other guys as long as I came home to him, yes he ran around on me and wanted the freedom to do so). Joshua kissed me and I did nothing to stop him. I knew I had a decision to make. By this point, X had made threats against me (he said he would crash my car and kill our pet rats) and claimed he was "joking". I knew he wasn't. Yes, I left my abuser for a better man. I'm not sorry. I'm happily married with 2 beautiful kids. What should I be sorry about? I actually did have 1 or 2 people try to shame me for doing that. Everyone else though was very relieved and happy for me.

Now that I've given my personal story of an abusive relationship, I would like to address to my readers 2 things that you shouldn't say to someone who was or still is in an abusive relationship and why it's not good to say them.

1. "Why did you stay?"

Sometimes, also, people will say "Why do you put up with that?" "I don't understand why anyone would stay" or anything to that effect. As stated above, it is much more complicated than that. Again, abusive relationships don't normally start out that way. The abuser will often, over time, "groom" their victim. They slowly work in the abuse, they normalize it, rationalize it and manipulate. Often, the person who is being abused believes that it is their fault, as I did. Also, once you have love for a person, is it really that easy to let them go? We know it's not. Feelings of love for someone don't just disappear. When you have love for someone, you want it to work and you will do what you think needs to be done to love them.

2. "[Current partner/spouse] is not your ex."

This is said when a person who was previously in an abusive relationship explains why they won't discuss something with their spouse or why they react a certain way to a behavior in their current non-abusive spouse/partner. It is also usually said by the current non-abusive partner. I'm not saying it's not okay to gently remind that person that they're in a better situation. I'm not saying that it's okay for the survivor of abuse to punish their partner for their ex's behavior. I'm saying it's a default reaction. I've heard this one a few times and I have to say, though well-intended (and I appreciate the intention) that this one really irks me.

One night, Joshua and I were watching a movie and sitting on the couch. He had just put his industrial piercing back in his ear and it was tender to the touch. X had a lot of dental problems and if I accidentally brushed his jaw or hit any tender area, he flipped. He would tell me how stupid I was, to watch out and to "use common sense". I reached up to put my arm around Joshua and bumped his ear. He winced and I cowered, bracing myself for the insults. I began apologizing defensively. He turned and looked at me and he himself could not believe that I felt I needed to react that way. He realized the gravity of my previous relationship and that those were wounds that were still healing. He couldn't believe another person would treat me like that.

This past year has been challenging at times for Joshua and myself. I think it has been our hardest year. Not so hard that we were close to ending it or anything like that but the road has just been rocky. We've had some financial issues at the beginning of the year when his business fell apart, which caused a trickle-down of other stress-inducing issues (like health insurance, mostly). He has been working long, long hours. I'm still at home with the kids, mostly because childcare is expensive for 2 and also, simply because we had talked about it since Joseph was born. I knew it was something I wanted and felt called to do for a season in my life. That has also proven more stressful that I had figured it to be. You get the idea, we have had a stressful year. It has not always brought out the best in either one of us. When Joshua starts to get short with me (and honey, you know I don't say this to trash-talk you) or begins to take out his frustrations at home (which he tries hard not to do, but he's human), it triggers me. It sets off a knee-jerk response in me that is very deeply rooted. It was planted by X. Sometimes, this leads to lack of communication because I don't want to provoke a fight.

Telling a person "they are not your ex" doesn't help. It makes us feel stupid. It may be obvious to you, but to them, they are using survival tactics that are ingrained within them. It takes a lot of effort to deprogram that. We're working on it.


Abuse victims sometimes don't even realize they're being abused. Other times they do and they hope for change. They want the person with whom they fell in love. The best thing you can do for someone who is in an abusive relationship is to continue to be their friend. You can't make any life-changing decisions for them. It might even be frustrating to see your friend suffer but know it is their choice and they have to decide for themselves in their own time. It is my hope and prayer that anyone in that kind of situation recognizes the signs, reaches out for help and finds a way out. You don't deserve it and it's NOT your fault.

Star Tutorial Link

For anyone interested in the 3D star how-to, this is the tutorial I used:

http://thegluegungirl.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-make-3d-cardboard-stars.html

Mini Projects and one Semi-Big One

Always looking to make our 2 bedroom apartment more cozy, I wanted to share some of my latest mini projects. I found a tutorial via Google on making a 3D star out of simple cardboard. I simply cut the star, brushed with wet glue (any school glue will do) and sprinkled with glitter. My fancy backing? A small square of packing tape! I'm happier with the larger golden one, so I recommend at least a 3" diameter. I'll post the link to the tutorial later.

The lights were a project I saw a while back on one of the daytime shows. I had kept the string of lights up after Christmas because I liked the look and thought I could change it with the season. Yesterday, we were grocery shopping and I picked up a box of 5 oz paper Dixie cups. I simply used a pencil to make a small hole in the bottom of the cup and pulled the bulb through! As far as the desk, it was passed down from my grandmother. I estimate that it was built some time in the 30s? She had mentioned it was one of her first big purchases. I had used it for years and took it with me when I moved on my own. As it suffered some abuse with acrylic paint and scratches, I finally decided it needed a makeover. I sanded it and used Glidden Minty Green with an eggshell finish. Just a simple paint job!

This is now hanging in our guest bathroom. I've wanted to do a nautical, sailor theme since I was pregnant with our son, who will be 2 in May!

My Tiny Dancer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ1ydP4biyg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This was recorded last summer on my phone. It is still one of my favorites! My son still tries to reenact it! He has a very quirky, comedic quality about him.

TV Stand, Before and After

Again, sorry for the quality of the photo (and my kid being in the way). I pulled off the edge bands and painted the sides. I also painted the base and finally put it back under the stand. I'm very happy with the result.

Before and after bookshelves (commentary included)

Please forgive the poor quality! This was originally cropped and uploaded from my phone. Joshua built these before we met. Now after over 5 years of being together, I finally got them painted and looking nice! It looks like new! 

With those of us who deal with (I prefer to say "deal with" rather than "suffer from") anxiety and depression, stressful events can cause regression. I'm feeling it today. Everything negative a person can feel is how I am today. I found a way out before and my goal today is to find it again. I will not let it get me.

Another new painting, both with a new home

My love of vintage anything inspires a lot of my work, especially anything mid-century. With these two, it was dish patterns. I figured what more appropriate place than the kitchen?

Whew! Nothing like the adrenaline rush of protecting your kids and dogs from perceived danger. Today, our fire alarm went off in our apartment building. Sadly, this wasn't the first time. It has happened before and it's usually a false alarm. Again, sadly, I didn't act right away. Then I heard a knock on the neighbor's door, then the other's and I looked out the peephole and maintenance was knocking on doors. To me, that meant one thing: get out. I quickly grabbed my phone, a reluctant toddler who did NOT want to walk outside, my 6-month-old and my dogs followed us. My legs felt like noodles going down the stairs.

I stood on the grassy area with the kids and dogs and other residents. I called my husband. I conversed with some neighbors as we all tried to figure out what was happening. Luckily, and to my annoyance, it was a faulty heat sensor in one of the units. I finally corralled the dogs and my son, with the help of a neighbor.

It has been a little over 4 hours and I'm STILL catching my breath.

I Don't Need a Big House

One thing I've noticed about our suburban culture, at least here in North Texas, is that a majority of the couples we know, and even some singles, own single family homes. I'm all for doing what makes you happy, but it seems like an unspoken rule that once you get married, you can only live the apartment life for 1-2 years, then you MUST buy a house. And don't even THINK about having a baby before you buy a house, either. Preferably, one should get a newer, cookie-cutter home. If this is what you WANT to do, do it and do so wisely. I do not have a problem with my friends owning their own home. They look nice! That fresh paint smells great, too. My issue lies with the notion that Joshua and I are somehow "doing it wrong" by living in an apartment with our family of four. People will ask when we are getting a house, why we don't have one yet and how we NEED a bigger space! There are a few reasons why we're not in a house yet.

When we got engaged, we had plans to wait a year after the wedding to try to have kids. God's gift to us came much earlier with our son Joseph and he was born before our wedding anniversary. We were in a 2 bedroom apartment that was enough for us at the time. We had problems with the management there and did not renew our lease. At the time that was coming to a head, we only had a short time to find a new place and move. I also found out I was pregnant with Cathrine and Joseph was only 6 months. My priority was getting another roof over our heads, so here we are, year 2 in another 2 bedroom.

Another reason is that we need to save some and get in a better financial place first, too. This is one thing Dave Ramsey is big on. I agree with him. Sometimes it IS better to rent. Besides, if my dishwasher breaks, it's the property's responsibility! Yes, we have had some financial struggles lately, but that can happen to just about anyone.

I did beat myself up for a while about not having a bigger space. I refuse to keep doing that because it does nothing but make me unhappy. Instead, we're making the most of it and I'm enjoying making the space our own and making it work for us as much as possible. I keep it reasonably clean, I've done a LOT of decluttering and minimized the junk we had. We will eventually own a house and it will be one we can afford and don't feel peer pressured into buying. I let go of "keeping up". I don't need to do it and it won't make us happy. It doesn't make us less of a family to live where we are. Do not feel sorry for us. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed and I won't be. We have a roof over our heads (which is someone else's floor), food in our fridge, running water, internet, central air, updated appliances and a loving family. Sounds like bliss to me. :)

#downsizing #flirtingwithminimalism

In July, I left my job of 8 years to be home with my kids full time. I was due to have our second child in August and child care was going to be expensive, consuming the majority of my paycheck. The rest of my check would probably also go to added expenses of me working, such as food for lunch breaks (take out or home), food to send with the kids rather than make our own here, clothes for work and then gas. Since then, I have been looking for other ways to save and downsize. I have almost developed a hobby out of living a more minimalist kind of life. It's easy to do if you're a creative type, living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a family of 4 and 3 dogs. Yup. 3 dogs. I cook all our meals, even baby food, except on the rare occasion we get take out, I breastfeed the baby, I have downsized junk we don't use and have made the most of our space.

My latest thought is to go back to being a one-car family. Something we haven't been since before we became parents. My car and the added maintenance are beginning to be cumbersome and something I would rather not deal with. 

My husband and I are going to really consider the pros and cons, pray and consider alternatives before making a decision. I'll be honest, this one scares me a little.

I Know Who Goes Before Me

*This entry is very personal to me regarding my faith and my walk with Jesus.*

In the last year and even moreso in the last month, I am more firm in my faith. I've made a breakthrough recently and I feel like I have grown substantially in my spiritual path. I have learned to let go of me and to give Him control, to let Him mold and shape me into who I was meant to be for His Glory. I never thought I would be typing those words and if someone had told me 10 years ago I would be saying these things, I would have laughed and brushed it off.

For my friends, Christian and non-Christian alike, it's still me. The same me, just a better me. I feel God tugging at my heartstrings every day to be loving, to not judge ANYONE too harshly, to be kind, tolerant, slow to anger (big one for me for those of you who really know me) and patient (another big one). To use my brain as well as my heart.

I am learning that being bitter and angry about how ugly humanity can be is not my cross to bear. We all have something about us that someone else could hate us for. There is something about me that probably makes another person shake with anger.  I don't get to be their Holy Spirit. It's not my job to save anyone and it's not anyone else's job either. I believe my place is to be who I am and to love and glorify God, to take up my OWN cross daily. In other words, worry about myself and work on myself. He will shine through me. We can reach others simply by loving them where they are, as I read today in another blog, and allowing Christ to come out in who we are. If you are immersed in Him, it will show. You don't have to force it.

Whoever and wherever you are, I can tell you now in my own experience you WILL like who you become through Him. I can't tell anyone how to live their life and I won't. It's not my job. I just know that I've found true love and joy and I can't recommend it enough. I simply want that for you, too, because it's SO awesome and amazing.

New painting!

Inspired by mid-century design.