* The Fruitful Vine *

In the wake of the Ray Rice video that was recently released to the public, there has been a great dialogue on Twitter, mostly with the hashtags #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft. Women and, even though I haven't read any from men, I'm sure there are some, have been sharing their reasons for why they have stayed with their abuser and why they have left their abusive relationships. The reason for the #WhyIStayed/Left campaign is that people began asking why Mrs. Rice continued her relationship and went on to marry the man who knocked her unconscious. I can understand the reasoning behind people wondering why a person would stay. I would like to be able to explain why they do and why that is such a loaded question. What I'm about to discuss is something in which I don't often go into detail.

Before I met Joshua, I was in a relationship with a guy (I won't call him a man) who was abusive, largely verbal and emotional. What many people don't know is that abusive relationships almost never start that way. They often start like any other relationship, happy, fun, hanging out, enjoying each other's company and generally just good times. As things progress and become more serious, you get to know each other better. The abuse usually escalates as the offender becomes more comfortable in the relationship. You might not be totally comfortable yelling at and belittling someone at first. My former boyfriend, who will be referred to as X, started off with "joking". He was "only joking" when he made rude comments about my weight, hair, sking or just my appearance. If I wore makeup, he never said I looked nice/pretty. I had my "hooker paint" on. No, it was okay to wear makeup. I just looked like a hooker. I needed to understand he was mentally ill and that he was just socially awkward. He would say that he would try not to joke like that. Until he would "forget" and then, again, I was just too sensitive. One night, I had gotten home from a closing shift. He started tickling me. I told him to stop it. I was tired. I didn't want to be messed with. He continued. I asked again. This escalated to me being pinned down while he tickled my feet and laughed like a maniac. I was yelling, crying and screaming. I tried hitting him to get him off me. He was relentless. He had no respect for me. He didn't know or care that it was a bad time to play around like that.

Abusers often will use apologies, promises to act better or just try to play it cool for a while as a way to keep you in the relationship. They always go back to the abuse, though and the vicious cycle continues. They will often, as X did, work up to it, getting you used to their behavior so you accept it or forgive more easily. Their abuse is insidious to the point that you often don't realize how bad it is. He would space out incidents like this, slowly getting me used to them. He eventually started yelling at me and being condescending. He would talk to me like I was child. He later started telling me that though I was smart, I had "no common sense". All my thoughts, my opinions, everything I said and did was silly to him and he would let me know it. But it just because he cared enough about me to point it out. He knew I could be better. One thing that kept me there, is like most abusers, he wasn't all bad. He could be really nice. There were times where we would have a great day together. He could be very genuine and really funny. He was smart and witty. I enjoyed that part of him and wanted to see more of it.

Later, he would attempt to control more of my behavior. Rolling my eyes was not okay. He would "teach" me not to do it by punching me hard in the arms every time I did it. If I was gone from the store longer than he though I should be, he would call me and yell at me. Where was I?! What was I doing?! Who was I with?! He would get angry with me over small matters and one of his tactics was to punish me with silence. He would ignore me for hours and sometimes days. Completely shut me out and ignore my existence. He did this once over a messed up lunch order. I went to get lunch for both of us and his order was wrong. I did check the bag, as he always insisted I did, but not carefully enough. He didn't speak to me for 3 days. That evening, his friends came over and they were trying to include me in the conversation, not knowing what was going on. I looked over at X at some point and he shot me a look that reminded me that I was still "in trouble". He looked at me like I had done something so horrible. Like I had really wronged him and he hated me for it. The look you give your nemesis. It was at this point, that I often believed I had caused him to act this way. I knew he was overreacting, our roommate would point that out sometimes, but mostly stayed out of it (I can't blame him, who wants to be in the middle of a couple fighting?) but I reasoned that I knew him well enough to know what his hot buttons were and should know better than to push them.

When I really started to feel like the walls were closing in and he had almost total control over my life in many aspects, the only place I really felt free was work. Thank God I had a job I loved with great coworkers at the time. Other people were noticing that something wasn't right with mine and X's relationship. Our mutual friends, my coworkers, many of whom were my friends, too. Nobody came right out and said he was abusive. They would say it wasn't normal, or point out that he was wrong to do or say whatever it was we were discussing. I knew it wasn't a good relationship, too. I knew I wasn't really happy. I knew he was likely abusive. I didn't want to admit that. I believed that I should just continue to love him. I knew he had a bad childhood and was bipolar. I believed it wasn't entirely his fault and that it would be sort of wrong to just leave someone who couldn't totally help it.

What it took for me to leave was meeting the man who is now my husband. When I first met Joshua, a relationship with him was nowhere in my mind. I was in a relationship, a dysfunctional one, but still in one and as far as I was concerned, committed to making it work. As I got to know Joshua, I began to see what a great man he was. He was kind, a Christian (I was and X wasn't) and not just in-name only, he knew Scripture, he had strong values as well as goals for making a living out of his craft. X didn't have any ambition. His ambition was to sit around playing on a computer and sponging off someone. I began to realize that X was never going to become a better person. I was starting to see that my relationship with him was as good as it was going to be. I began to develop a crush on Joshua, the more we talked. I wanted a healthy relationship! I wanted to get married! I wanted someone who shared my values, not belittled them. One night we actually hung out while X was at work (long story short, X claimed he didn't mind me meeting other guys as long as I came home to him, yes he ran around on me and wanted the freedom to do so). Joshua kissed me and I did nothing to stop him. I knew I had a decision to make. By this point, X had made threats against me (he said he would crash my car and kill our pet rats) and claimed he was "joking". I knew he wasn't. Yes, I left my abuser for a better man. I'm not sorry. I'm happily married with 2 beautiful kids. What should I be sorry about? I actually did have 1 or 2 people try to shame me for doing that. Everyone else though was very relieved and happy for me.

Now that I've given my personal story of an abusive relationship, I would like to address to my readers 2 things that you shouldn't say to someone who was or still is in an abusive relationship and why it's not good to say them.

1. "Why did you stay?"

Sometimes, also, people will say "Why do you put up with that?" "I don't understand why anyone would stay" or anything to that effect. As stated above, it is much more complicated than that. Again, abusive relationships don't normally start out that way. The abuser will often, over time, "groom" their victim. They slowly work in the abuse, they normalize it, rationalize it and manipulate. Often, the person who is being abused believes that it is their fault, as I did. Also, once you have love for a person, is it really that easy to let them go? We know it's not. Feelings of love for someone don't just disappear. When you have love for someone, you want it to work and you will do what you think needs to be done to love them.

2. "[Current partner/spouse] is not your ex."

This is said when a person who was previously in an abusive relationship explains why they won't discuss something with their spouse or why they react a certain way to a behavior in their current non-abusive spouse/partner. It is also usually said by the current non-abusive partner. I'm not saying it's not okay to gently remind that person that they're in a better situation. I'm not saying that it's okay for the survivor of abuse to punish their partner for their ex's behavior. I'm saying it's a default reaction. I've heard this one a few times and I have to say, though well-intended (and I appreciate the intention) that this one really irks me.

One night, Joshua and I were watching a movie and sitting on the couch. He had just put his industrial piercing back in his ear and it was tender to the touch. X had a lot of dental problems and if I accidentally brushed his jaw or hit any tender area, he flipped. He would tell me how stupid I was, to watch out and to "use common sense". I reached up to put my arm around Joshua and bumped his ear. He winced and I cowered, bracing myself for the insults. I began apologizing defensively. He turned and looked at me and he himself could not believe that I felt I needed to react that way. He realized the gravity of my previous relationship and that those were wounds that were still healing. He couldn't believe another person would treat me like that.

This past year has been challenging at times for Joshua and myself. I think it has been our hardest year. Not so hard that we were close to ending it or anything like that but the road has just been rocky. We've had some financial issues at the beginning of the year when his business fell apart, which caused a trickle-down of other stress-inducing issues (like health insurance, mostly). He has been working long, long hours. I'm still at home with the kids, mostly because childcare is expensive for 2 and also, simply because we had talked about it since Joseph was born. I knew it was something I wanted and felt called to do for a season in my life. That has also proven more stressful that I had figured it to be. You get the idea, we have had a stressful year. It has not always brought out the best in either one of us. When Joshua starts to get short with me (and honey, you know I don't say this to trash-talk you) or begins to take out his frustrations at home (which he tries hard not to do, but he's human), it triggers me. It sets off a knee-jerk response in me that is very deeply rooted. It was planted by X. Sometimes, this leads to lack of communication because I don't want to provoke a fight.

Telling a person "they are not your ex" doesn't help. It makes us feel stupid. It may be obvious to you, but to them, they are using survival tactics that are ingrained within them. It takes a lot of effort to deprogram that. We're working on it.

Abuse victims sometimes don't even realize they're being abused. Other times they do and they hope for change. They want the person with whom they fell in love. The best thing you can do for someone who is in an abusive relationship is to continue to be their friend. You can't make any life-changing decisions for them. It might even be frustrating to see your friend suffer but know it is their choice and they have to decide for themselves in their own time. It is my hope and prayer that anyone in that kind of situation recognizes the signs, reaches out for help and finds a way out. You don't deserve it and it's NOT your fault.